Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
