The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
