Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
