can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
