I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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