I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
