The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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