It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
bring money and cleavage
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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