I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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