I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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