she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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