I cannot find my penis.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Well I just put wine in my tea
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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