A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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