I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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