im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
