who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
