i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
