im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
When are your genitals available?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
