You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
