so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
