Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
She just used a chaser for red wine.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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