I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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