I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
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We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
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Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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