Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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