my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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