Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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