just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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