a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
