I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.