Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
