I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
