There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it