Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
