it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
