I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
