I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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