the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Too much gin, very little bucket
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
