he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Rumble strips road head = magical
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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