I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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