My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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