Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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