im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Let's get the cat blown out
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
