i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
