Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
