Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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