you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
