My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Everclear isn't food dammit
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
