I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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