So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
