dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
