I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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