When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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