I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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