Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
