I feel like I'm in dance class right now
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
