I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
