Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
