thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
FUCK WHALES
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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