wakey wakey hands off snakey
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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