If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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