i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
